The Doomed Religion of Self-Improvement

Between cold showers and ‘hot yoga’ pretty much everything that can be done with the mind and body has been explored, branded and debunked. Yet happiness remains just as elusive. And the difference between self-love and narcissism grower thinner with every new commercial.

Even the most privileged learning curves go from ignorance to socialism to capitalism to indifference. From wanting to change the world to at least wanting to change one’s eating habits, life is an ongoing process of realizing our own futility. The resulting frustration manifests in conflicts personal and national. The lucky ones can channel it through art, others stumble through all of life’s pit stops contributing to credit card debt and global warming.

The western world, which also includes the metros of the east has largely overcome most physical chores leaving man more and more alone with his thoughts with very little knowledge of how to deal with them. The myths that could comfort us cannot survive in cities. And the echoes of the sub-conscious can barely be heard above the hum of electricity. All that is left is you staring at yourself in the mirror with a month’s worth of disposable income. Life has always been under Lockdown. Just that now it is more apparent.

This is where self-improvement enters, as a new form of decadence. Diet, exercise, grooming, motivation, spirituality, therapy, detox, recycling – a boot camp for the soul without ever knowing what a soul could actually mean. From sharing FitBit scores to comparing meditation sessions on Headspace, nothing can escape packaging. To be sure, this is still progress, if it makes us look inward, away from cast, creed and religion. But after the tenth School of Life video, everything starts repeating itself. The most kooky ideas are passed off as ‘New Age’, rebirth is explained as thermodynamics and free will is explained as some quantum inevitability. But none of it can make you less restive.

It merely becomes a new kind of hobby and even a vocation for some. It starts with ‘ I AM IN A RACE WITH MYSELF’ memes and and ends in crippling pressure because a mortal body can only do so much. As long as this race doesn’t harm others one should be free to pursue any self-made obstacle course. But never mistake a penchant for self-improvement as immediate transcendence. Historically, such indulgence has been directly proportional to degree of opulence. Kings and aristocrats always indulged in rare bath salts and exotic fruits. We indulge in paraben free shampoos and avocados. All snake-oils eventually get discredited and all that is left is a hollower version of you looking for the next trend. A true Yogi can survive without an internet connection, even in 2020.

The same market system that sells drugs also sells detox. So it should not be very difficult to see through marketing gimmicks. Now we are being told that fats was not bad after all. Soon, we will hear the same about sugar and a new invisible target will be manufactured. The body needs about 8 hours of sleep a day, about 2,000 calories (lesser from processed food the better), 30 mins of mildly strenuous exercise and 30 mins of honest contemplation. Anything above and beyond that is mostly hubris. And even after doing all of it in balance, old age still catches up with you. Everyone who smokes does not get cancer and every gym enthusiast does not live longer. We seldom get to see sportsmen reeling from steroids after retirement and we never see older movie stars without their make-up and surgeries. To the point that any kind of weakness or sign of old age is perceived as a major failure of personality. Even after following all two thousand episodes of the Joe Rogan Experience, life can become very complicated and no one is immune to heartbreak. Self-improvement is still a worthy goal but only if it leads to more humility.
– Punit Pania

Zoom In, Zone Out

Man is a social animal but the ego is highly anti-social. Most of life seems paradoxical and there never seems to be enough time to sit and ponder. Well, now there is time, lot’s of it. But it seems to drift away. And that is boredom defined: Finding each passing moment excruciating and yet not knowing where all the time went.

It is already 20 minutes into the online meeting and they still haven’t got past the pleasantries. You want to switch off your video and be free to dig your nose or just stare at the fan. But that wouldn’t be polite now would it? Things have definitely changed under lockdown but your employer is still trying to hold on to the old ways. A mixture of nostalgia and denial. But one must admit, Zoom calls are very realistic, down to people being late and nothing of substance being discussed for close to two hours.

It is a meeting that has already been rescheduled four times. In the real world colleagues would have compelling alibis for not being able to make it. Dentists appointments, in-laws visiting, son’s football practice on Wednesdays. Arun would always claim he had to go with his son for football practice but he would end up attending the meetings anyway…custody battles are tough. You would think online meetings would be easier. But people still find ways to keep themselves busy and hammered, anything but sitting still with their thoughts. Now they suddenly feel the urge to connect with their distant siblings, attend Zoomba sessions and the PTA meetings have also moved online

Since you are still being paid, while being in shorts, you can’t complain. But greater than the mockery of productivity is the horror of peeking into the lives of your colleagues. You always suspected they had a life but without all the social media filters, it looks very surreal, like a hacker movie.

The broken switchboards, mosquito lamps, kids fighting in the background, dogs peeking in, bad camera angles compounding bad hair days. Pat has a Swiss Alps background wallpaper but he was always pretentious. You finally see that the old man from accounts actually has legs! He is moving around more at his house than he ever did in office, the only image you have of him is behind a cubicle. And you are glad Arun actually has a house. You would always see him changing clothes in office, especially on Wednesdays. Actually you are sort of glad to see everyone in their humble avatars. Even Head Slave, as he tries to sound spontaneous while clearly reading from another window. You can see the reflection in his glasses.

Since everyone is being themselves you also take a break unannounced and come back towards the end of the meeting. They are still exchanging pleasantries. One of them even suggested playing Ludo, on company time! It is met with no objection but thankfully no interest either. It is clear that there is no work to be done. But man is a social animal. And thankfully, loneliness is often stronger than the ego.

• Punit Pania

Friendless in Tokyo

• As related by a friend.

The name was apt, almost sexy. And I was desperate. A management position in a multinational corporation in one of the biggest cities in the world. And yet hopelessly friendless. One would have thought the job along with a life partner who is keeper would have sealed the deal. Life is short but days are long. Very long if you have no one to talk to.

Nowhere is the paradox of alienating city life as stark as Tokyo, especially if you do not speak the local tongue. And even if you if do there so many places where it is simply considered impolite to strike up a conversation. This includes trains, elevators and lunch – that is half your life, out! Zip!

Life is like a 90s sitcom. You are not really enjoying the reruns but you also feel that the next season will be worse. So you can’t make new friends. One needs a certain amount of tolerance to have a large group of friends. As you get older, your ability to detect bullshit goes up and your ability to tolerate it goes down. But even the existing herd was dwindling, largely due to geography. There is a group of friends who you meet only at re-unions, then at weddings, then in hospitals, then at funerals. I am just about getting to the hospital stage.

Friendless in Tokyo was a meet-up of like-minded desis in a foreign land, all looking for friendship. What could go wrong? If you are me, a lot. A perpetually low phone battery and propensity to trip over and fall at will ensure a healthy supply of drama in the screenplay that passes for my life. It was like Seinfeld’s theme music was perpetually playing on in the background but I was still not finding it funny.

I wanted to change the narrative. So much that I was the first one to arrive at the community centre. The oldies who were there for the earlier origami event seemed very inviting but I wanted to make friends who…lasted.

The husband is calling me repeatedly on the phone. But not now. I have got to be my individual gregarious friendly self. I even wore the dress I was saving for our anniversary. As potential suitors started trickling in, the play-like nature of the scene made an impression on my mind. And only I could hear the laugh track. Each person introducing themselves as a one-line Tinder bio: Mother, Yoga teacher, Vacuum cleaner. I could only manage to say my name with a smile.

The Moomins help solitary diners in Japan with “anti-loneliness cafe” at Tokyo Dome City LaQua

They seemed to have so much to share. Most of them were women, with kids, some had two kids and one lady was clearly pregnant. All their kids seemed to be going to the same school. So this was like an unofficial parents-teachers meeting. They were polite but it was clear that I would have to at least adopt a puppy to remotely relate to this group. The stories of their kids sounded more like boasts than banter and everyone seemed a little too well-dressed. I still kept with the program, accompanied them to various eating joints till we found one that could accommodate everyone’s food restrictions/fetishes/superstitions. And Vegans can’t even do ice cream parlous. If you thought deciding on a place among a group is difficult, try doing it with a bunch of people you have just met.

Of course, the phone had switched off by now. The last thing I saw on the screen was 7 missed calls. He doesn’t usually call that often but does it have to be on the one evening when I am out making friends? And I didn’t want to give up. I sat through the whole thing even though the tea was cold. We even exchanged numbers but thankfully they didn’t add me on their WhatsApp group.

I started getting worried about the missed calls. So I borrowed chargers from three different strangers on the metro on the way back. Now I know why on one else does that. But they were polite enough to lend it to me even though they were getting off at the next stop. With 2% battery and 1 block left from home, I couldn’t help myself. I called the husband and blasted him for making me worry. Needless to say I tripped on the escalator while shouting with Seinfeld’s music playing on cue. Another awkward dinner awaited. Did I tell you? – He cooks as well. Friendless and Sleepless in Tokyo.

The door was open and the lights were off. Now I was really worried. If it hadn’t turned out to be a surprise birthday party, I would have killed someone that day. I don’t remember who all he had called home that night from our limited social circle to make it happen. But I do remember hugging him tight, like at the end of any good episode of Friends.

One person who understands you completely is better than a hundred distant friends and you don’t need to watch a sitcom or RomCom to know that.

• Punit Pania